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I sit here at the computer in the office away from the rest of the house. Separated. Krisann is out tonight hula hooping. Peter was running on the treadmill but I’m pretty sure he went to crash in bed or on the couch and watch tv. I am working on homework, way too much homework to finish tonight (especially considering that I took this detour.) Listening to my favorite songs on Grooveshark, I unexpectedly hear S’Wonderful (version by Joao Gilberto) and I can’t stop myself from crying. It takes me right back to St. John, such a lazy song, makes me want to leave everything behind and go somewhere and do nothing in particular. Forget the headache of working in an office brimming with idiots, screw money! I would be happier without a house-load of shit I am now aware I only think I need.
The only purpose most of it serves is to remind me of things I don’t have, or loved ones no longer here, like Grampa or Atticus or Nico.
A few weeks ago I couldn’t take it anymore and finally convinced Peter to join me in purging what turned out to be an entire jeep-load of crap. Clothes, wine glasses, old furniture, mops, blankets, chatchkis. It made me high to drop it off at Goodwill. What triggered it was looking at the baker’s rack outside the kitchen. It is stacked with cookbooks, old mail, liquor, the bottle of Dom Perignon from our honeymoon (cost several hundred dollars and wasn’t even that great.) Looking at it I thought about if I had to leave right that second, I would only take the inexpensive doll I bought in St. John, made by church ladies because I love handmade things and it reminds me of a really happy time. Then I turned and looked into the kitchen. We had cabinets full of dishes and glasses and pots and pans that we didn’t even use! Dangerous pans with scratched up teflon we had been cooking in and eating from for years. I thought about every room and how nice it would be to get rid of all the clutter in my life. That day was a start.
Of course, there is a lot I just can’t get rid of, things I feel like I absolutely need now. Items that maybe serve a timely purpose or help to get me through this period of my life. Maybe someday I will have the courage to ditch these things too but for now I’m too afraid to go without the crutch.
I feel like I want to put all the money we make away and save it for traveling or serious things like medical or other sorts of emergencies. When I buy new clothes now I buy them out of necessity and spend a little on them so they last instead of buying cheap trendy stuff I used to enjoy replacing every couple months. I was wearing partially puppy-shredded shoes (my pants mostly covered it up) for a couple months but when she ate my brown flats I knew I had to get a replacement. The chinos I was wearing had to be replaced because they were about 10 years old. I confess there are still some things I buy but the desire has been cut back a lot. I am trying to be less of a consumer.
Maybe shedding all of this is my way to lighten my load so I can move on more easily, even though I am fully aware that we aren’t going anywhere for another year and a half. I am so desperate to get out of SC that I told Peter I will go anywhere…anywhere at all that they will station him outside of this place. Being home in PA last week felt great until Friday night. I knew I had to leave Saturday morning and as people started to leave after dinner I could feel myself growing upset. The last two, Maria then Debbie left I couldn’t even bring myself to say a word, my mouth was shut tight to keep from losing it. Then I said goodbye to Gram and I could not hold it back. The next morning when I left Dad, same thing and I couldn’t stop in the car. I finally put a book on and tried to absorb into the story.
I LOVE being near Mom but this time we have spent here is spent as if we are in limbo, waiting for something better. I acknowledge that its all in my head and there is no actual reason to hate this state so much, but considering all the steps I have taken to better my life since moving here (quit smoking, rarely drink, running, going back to school, eating healthier) I should like it more. I just don’t.
Despite being on an antidepressant and all the positive changes I continue to be unhappy. So what the hell? Life certainly isn’t going to be like this forever but jesus, how long do I have to wait for something to change? I have been trying to change my thinking including attending buddhist meetings and still nothing. But, maybe that’s the point: keep trying. There isn’t one fix that works for all people so why do I think one change will fix all my problems?
Now I feel a little better and I shall return to my chem homework.
Picture update at 1030pm: Pablo wants me to go to bed.
It’s finally worked- the laser-exact aim of mmy personal gravitational pull which I have been focusinng on a very specific person for all of the 8 years I have lived in this state has finally succeeded in getting results. Krisann is moving down here!!!!!
In preparation for this momentous occasion, Peter has fled the house, vowing never to return (for at least 6 months) Nico has taken off in fear, (if you’re religious, you better be praying for her safe return.) I have been filling the dresser in the guest room with cllothing I think she will enjoy. She requested that I place a stocking on the fireplace for her, which I am more than happy to do. Except I packed up all the christmas stuff and Peter put it away in the attic before he left so I don’t have any stockings left. So I offered to hang an old sock up there and she had the balls to sneer in my face (over the google chat.)
She is mostly packed up and Should be moving down at the end of the month.
How cool is that? I miss living in Pittsburgh so much some days. There are a lot more people and a lot more people from other countries there which makes for such a rich cultural experience.
There are some folks from out of the country here, and certainly a lot from other states but there are so many awesome universities that attract educated people from all over the world there. There is really no comparison.
Then again, the beach is here. And you can’t beat the beach.
Though I don’t have any photos to post I figured I would share with you the details of this past weekend. Peter and I decided to drive home to Pittsburgh to surprise Krisann for her 28th birthday. Dad had informed me that they were planning a big party for her Saturday night and I couldn’t resist. I have surprised other family members in the past but Krisann was always in on it from the start.
I was unsure when we set out to visit that I could keep myself from blurting it out on the phone or avoid blogging about it. I am just used to reviewing every item I plan to pack with her and confirm that one of us will, absolutely, bring a hairdryer and straightener to Dad’s. Plus, we always review all our clothes in case we have special requests. For instance, I ask her to bring a shirt of hers I like to wear so I can wear it while she is in town or she will ask me to bring some extra sun dresses when we vacation in Charleston since I have a collection of them. I usually bring her stuff I have decided to lend to her or other items I bought for her since the last time I saw her.
So I lied while we were driving up, saying we were driving to the movie theater. Then I strongly suggested she go to Dad’s that friday night instead of going out with friends. Then I called Dad and told him to beg her to come up to his place that night as well. Thankfully it worked because she did end up at Dad’s Friday night. We made good time driving up, about 7 hours, but just missed her. She had JUST gone to bed so I let Atticus loose to run to her and he flew up the stairs and met her in the doorway to the guest room. She was so tired I think she thought she was imagining things because she just bent over on top of him and slowly reached out to touch him and see if he was real. Then she looked over and was shocked to see me. She was like a zombie- the look on her face almost not realizing what was happening and she couldn’t recognize anything. Then I ran up to her and hugged her and she came to. She came back downstairs with us and gave Peter a hug and we all sat up and watched tv until 3 am.
Peter and I stayed at Gram’s. She made a delicious pecan cinnamon bread thing for breakfast then we wandered up to Dad’s to eat eggs, toast and bacon. After stuffing ourselves Krisann introduced us to the Showtime drama Nurse Jackie. We were hooked but since we had business to attend to we only had enough time for 3 episodes. We returned to Grams and donned our swim suits and headed to Molly’s.
There the drinking commenced, Tanner was brought out and we lazed ™ away the afternoon. The sun barely came out but we had a nice time anyway. Then it came time to eat, the family’s favorite pastime. Dad & Wendy prepared a feast for two hundred and sixty-eight people to enjoy. Of the less than twenty guests present, all ate like hogs. It rained breifly during dinner then we opened up Krisann’s gifts and spent the evening just hanging out. Peter demonstrated what I would look like in a burqa (rearranged hoodie) and Debbie accompanied with sound effects, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAYYYYYEEE AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIA AI AI AIAI AIA AAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE”
There would be an accompanying video to this but Krisann has not been able to upload it to me yet so be sure to bitch to her about that.
Ronnie did impersonations of Sling Blade all night: recounted stories as Sling Blade, recited lines from the movie- it was a riot! Dad started a fire in the pit and we had hot dogs. It was awesome. The decorations were beautiful, in fact, Gram had commented that Peter and I could have gotten married there and she was right.
Peter had a blast and let everyone know he was definately getting family vacation week off and we would be going. We are super excited!!!
When we were driving around East Liberty running errands we saw what a different storefront advertising waffles. Once studied we pinpointed what we felt was different about the lighting: it reminded us of a bordello. It reminded me specifically of a line from A Christmas Story… the storefront had the “warm glow of electric sex”.
It had a website on the window, was totally empty, not open for anywhere near early enough to serve breakfast and the second line of the sign says “Reality Show”. We were intrigued.
Now here is something fun for you to check out… www.Waffleshop.org
You can research online a bit then stop in. Krisann & I will head there when I am back in town. That Meat Lover’s Waffle sounds fantastic.
I visited PA then drove down to SC and made the rounds. I have returned home to move onward & upward!
I feel like I was stupid to stick around there for so long. Why did I put myself through all that headache? I admit that I am afraid every once in a while that I won’t get unemployment or a new job but THATS IT! I don’t have 120+ claims to worry about, keeping my numbers up, all the paperwork, phone calls to return, complaints, …nothing else. It is so wonderful to not worry about that many things. I can focus on my regular life & taking care of Peter, the kids and all the new plants.
It is very peaceful in my head now.
So while I was at home, HBO’s Grey Gardens aired. I watched it at Dad & Wendy’s with Krisann. To celebrate, we dressed up. The movie was fantastic- Jessica Lange nailed Big Edie & Drew Barrymore did the best Little Edie anybody could do.
At the Carnegie International 2008, there was an installation called I Wish Your Wish in which you take a ribbon printed with a wish & are able to leave a wish of your own that will be printed on ribbons to be used in the future. http://blog.cmoa.org/CI08/2008/05/i-wish-your-wish.php
You take the ribbon, wrap it around your wrist, making a wish every time and when the bracelet wears off your wishes will have come true.
My ribbon bracelet is still clinging on. The printed wish was for less stress at work, the wishes I made with each wrap haven’t all come true yet so I can’t spill them.
Peter’s ribbon was printed “I wish your wish.” I don’t know what else he wished for.
But Krisann had the best of of all…”I Wish to Always Be Overwhelmed By Love.”
I wish this for everyone.
I recently got my hair cut & styled. The stylist suggested some ways to help me get some volume in my hair. Krisann shared the mousse and root boost which really boosted her hair. Then she attacked me with a pointy ended brush & hairspray. The results were spectacular for us both.
Krisann’s cats: Emerson is an orange long-haired tabby cat with a fat, gray, short-haired tabby brother, Fitzgerald. They have a stepbrother now, Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood is a short haired orange tabby. Clint Eastwood belongs to Krisann’s roommate. They’re cool.
Krisann told me that when they all moved in together, Emerson thought Clint Eastwood was his shadow.
Again, click on the thumbnails.
1. Bright-tailed and bushy-eyed Clint Eastwood. Like a kid at Christmas- you can see his anticipation.
2. He slept under the tree at every opportunity.
3. Emerson. Peter and I brushed all his hair into a sweater.
4. Close up of the turtleneck.
5. Fitzgerald bundled up.
6. Peter bonds with Clint.
7. See the light in Clint’s eyes? …He ate a strand of Christmas lights.
And it was beautiful! Peter and I both took 2 weeks off (see the calendar in an older post) and spent the first one in PA visiting family. We stayed at Krisann’s and Gram’s. Click on the thumbnail for larger picture.
1. Krisann got me a Mr. Winkle calendar. I’ve learned a lot from that adorable puppy. Mr. Winkle knows how much more adorable you are when your tongue hangs out a little. I think the look works for me too.
2. Krisann opens her present while Atticus looks on to see if it’s something he can use.
3 through 6. Everyone spent some quality time with Atticus- he was in heaven.
7. Peter likes to wear multiple hats.
8. Or, no hats…
9. Or, tiny ladies’ hats.
10. Atticus knew what the problem was right away, he was bored waiting for them to figure it out. But Dad & Wendy figured it out eventually and fixed Gram’s chair.
11. Peter gets a kick out of teasing me. Luckily I noticed what he’d done before trying to get up.
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