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I sit here at the computer in the office away from the rest of the house. Separated. Krisann is out tonight hula hooping. Peter was running on the treadmill but I’m pretty sure he went to crash in bed or on the couch and watch tv. I am working on homework, way too much homework to finish tonight (especially considering that I took this detour.) Listening to my favorite songs on Grooveshark, I unexpectedly hear S’Wonderful (version by Joao Gilberto) and I can’t stop myself from crying. It takes me right back to St. John, such a lazy song, makes me want to leave everything behind and go somewhere and do nothing in particular. Forget the headache of working in an office brimming with idiots, screw money! I would be happier without a house-load of shit I am now aware I only think I need.
The only purpose most of it serves is to remind me of things I don’t have, or loved ones no longer here, like Grampa or Atticus or Nico.
A few weeks ago I couldn’t take it anymore and finally convinced Peter to join me in purging what turned out to be an entire jeep-load of crap. Clothes, wine glasses, old furniture, mops, blankets, chatchkis. It made me high to drop it off at Goodwill. What triggered it was looking at the baker’s rack outside the kitchen. It is stacked with cookbooks, old mail, liquor, the bottle of Dom Perignon from our honeymoon (cost several hundred dollars and wasn’t even that great.) Looking at it I thought about if I had to leave right that second, I would only take the inexpensive doll I bought in St. John, made by church ladies because I love handmade things and it reminds me of a really happy time. Then I turned and looked into the kitchen. We had cabinets full of dishes and glasses and pots and pans that we didn’t even use! Dangerous pans with scratched up teflon we had been cooking in and eating from for years. I thought about every room and how nice it would be to get rid of all the clutter in my life. That day was a start.
Of course, there is a lot I just can’t get rid of, things I feel like I absolutely need now. Items that maybe serve a timely purpose or help to get me through this period of my life. Maybe someday I will have the courage to ditch these things too but for now I’m too afraid to go without the crutch.
I feel like I want to put all the money we make away and save it for traveling or serious things like medical or other sorts of emergencies. When I buy new clothes now I buy them out of necessity and spend a little on them so they last instead of buying cheap trendy stuff I used to enjoy replacing every couple months. I was wearing partially puppy-shredded shoes (my pants mostly covered it up) for a couple months but when she ate my brown flats I knew I had to get a replacement. The chinos I was wearing had to be replaced because they were about 10 years old. I confess there are still some things I buy but the desire has been cut back a lot. I am trying to be less of a consumer.
Maybe shedding all of this is my way to lighten my load so I can move on more easily, even though I am fully aware that we aren’t going anywhere for another year and a half. I am so desperate to get out of SC that I told Peter I will go anywhere…anywhere at all that they will station him outside of this place. Being home in PA last week felt great until Friday night. I knew I had to leave Saturday morning and as people started to leave after dinner I could feel myself growing upset. The last two, Maria then Debbie left I couldn’t even bring myself to say a word, my mouth was shut tight to keep from losing it. Then I said goodbye to Gram and I could not hold it back. The next morning when I left Dad, same thing and I couldn’t stop in the car. I finally put a book on and tried to absorb into the story.
I LOVE being near Mom but this time we have spent here is spent as if we are in limbo, waiting for something better. I acknowledge that its all in my head and there is no actual reason to hate this state so much, but considering all the steps I have taken to better my life since moving here (quit smoking, rarely drink, running, going back to school, eating healthier) I should like it more. I just don’t.
Despite being on an antidepressant and all the positive changes I continue to be unhappy. So what the hell? Life certainly isn’t going to be like this forever but jesus, how long do I have to wait for something to change? I have been trying to change my thinking including attending buddhist meetings and still nothing. But, maybe that’s the point: keep trying. There isn’t one fix that works for all people so why do I think one change will fix all my problems?
Now I feel a little better and I shall return to my chem homework.
Picture update at 1030pm: Pablo wants me to go to bed.
Whew! I love this time of year. I get to believe that I will truly be able to change something about myself that I hate.
Prior years I have resolved:
do yoga daily, workout until my butt looks like Jessica Simpson’s from Dukes of Hazzard movie, hand write cards and letters, watch less tv, eat better, take a vitamin every day, quit spending money on crap and put it towards my bills, clean the litterbox every day, work harder, stop working at home all the time, establish a healthier/more normal sleep schedule, water my plants more frequently, stick to using a Planner, accomplish more, meet someone, quit smoking, quit drinking, floss more, get a better job, make money from home, paint again
Some are vague (accomplish more??), some are stupid (quit drinking), and most of them I have failed at completing.
So at work, the office manager tells me that tomorrow is the big New Year’s Resolution meeting where the owner lays out all his grand ideas for the coming year. She assured me that many of these ideas will be scary but that almost none of it is actually followed though on. So I’m excited to hear this craziness and watch too see how it all unfolds.
In other meetings, there have been some interesting ideas introduced; some of us adopt the new proposals, other people seem to forget completely that they ever proposed anything new in the first place.
Personally: I don’t know what to resolve to do differently this year. Any suggestions?
12/29/10 @ 3pm:
I no longer know how to do long division, (stupid south carolina rubbing off on me) so I should have P-Rock teach me elementary math. That can be a resolution.
Also, I bought some of the most beautiful poinsettia plants ever and I want to keep them alive throughout the year so they bloom again next year. It is a huge struggle though because our house is completely devoid of moisture and they prefer a greenhouse type environment with continuous feed water spikes and humid atmosphere. I moved them all into the bathroom and spray them daily and will my love to them when I have to be away.
I got a job!!! FINALLY!!!!!!! Jeez, I was starting to think something was the matter with me! But I’m glad it took so long because I really liked the owner and the lady who interviewed me yesterday.
When the temp agency called me last week to schedule this interview, I was ticked off due to the timing of it all (Peter’s pinning ceremony and family visits coming up) as well as what they said the job would entail (Dispatching, which I have some experience with and hate). SO I was truly hoping to not get the job. Until I got there…
The office isn’t so far away from home, the location is in a quiet industrial park behind where Frank works (I think), and the people I met there were great. The owner started the business twenty years ago and the lady who interviewed me has worked there for 15 years. The other office employee has been there for almost a year but she is older than me and very nice. Other than that, there is a warehouse manager who may pop in now and then but the other 100+ employees work outside the office and don’t come around much. It is at a Janitorial company, they clean professional buildings. I am just so excited to start there because I felt the people I met were very genuine and what they described as the working environment is something I would fit right into.
and goes on and on and on and on…
I am not having any luck with finding a job. I applied for my dream job at a local, fun women’s magazine just a few short weeks after we moved down here. I thought that it was going to be easy…me finding the want ad in their mag, writing a witty cover letter (which I will sample below for your enjoyment)
As I am reading the June issue of *bleep*I pause at “Overheard” to check the website shitmykidsruined.com and get distracted by my latest email edition of The Writer’s Almanac where I read that today is the birthday of “Dr. Ruth” Westheimer, as well as the anniversary of the day Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. I forget about the website I had intended to check and return to skirt! where a couple pages later I read that you’re looking for a part-time, permanent Office Assistant. Seems it’s a meaningful day for women. Specifically, this woman.
Coincidence? no. Kismet…! … This opportunity is a dream for me, and I am certain you would feel the same if you hire me as your office assistant.
Of course, they want an interview. I felt it went well, but they ended up hiring someone with Accounts Payable & Receivable experience. Fine. I was temporarily crushed but appreciated that they at least explained why I wasn’t hired and it’s legitimate. I have since registered with a couple temp agencies. I have been on four interviews and temped at a local car dealership and at a Teen Miss pageant. (I don’t want to even mention the online job applications or resume submissions I have done- So many I can’t count that high. Nobody responds online though, unless you know someone there or have some sort of connection they don’t even respond. Actually, about 25% will send a form letter back that says somehting like, ”we’ll review your submission and get back to you”) The dealership was supposed to be a temp to hire position but the first day I was there, temping, I collected 15 resumes from women coming in off the street for my position.
Sidetrack…I dress very professionally and excluding the unusually silly cover letter above, I am the picture of professionalism in my cover letters, resume and presentation. The women who came by to fill out an application at that dealership were dressed in the crappiest clothing I have ever seen in that situation. I wouldn’t even wear some of their outfits to work in the yard. Others had managed to dress semi-appropriately but failed in the makeup or hair department. There was one who I imagined wuld fit right in at the beach with her sundress and swimsuit strings hanging out. Most of them wore clothing so tight, if I had to wear it I would not have left the house.
So I figure, but the end of my first half day, after collecting a pile of resumes and applications, they were never planning on making this a temp to permenant position. The second morning I’m there, some girl in a sundress shows up and asks for the general manager. He meets with her for 20 minutes and I can hear them chatting about nothing in particular. About 30 minutes after she leaves, he comes down to inform me not to accept any other applications. The position has been filled. No big surprise there to me. The temp agency contact calls me to inform me it was filled (I already knew) and she assures me she will find something else.
In the meantime, I register with another temp agency so I can stay as busy as possible. They send me on an interview at an attorney’s office and I am their first pick for the position but they still ahven’t offered the job yet. Then I get a call last week about temping for one night at a pageant! I couldn’t have been more excited. Turns out it was just an introduction to the pageant but I still got to meet a lot of the pageant girls who ranged in age from 7 to 19. They were such nice little girls. That assignment only lasted four hours that night, but I figured it was worth it.
I’m tired of not having any money and being bored all day. I feel like I could get a retail job pretty easily but I feel like that is taking a step backwards and won’t look good on my resume.
As you know, my stint temping as a receptionist back at Nationwide has come to an end. I was hoping to get a specific temping job at a local company right up the road in Virginia Beach (thus the request for your good wishes) but as it turns out, I did not get that one.
BUT! I did get a call this morning for a different job, temping in Portsmouth. It’s just what I need right now, so Thank you, everyone!! I’ll be filling out paperwork and once everything is all set, I’ll start a new temping job.
There is a possibility of something good happening to me over the next several days and I am asking for your blind support and hope that it comes through for me!!!
(it isn’t a wedding or pregnancy so calm yourselves down)
I don’t want to blow it yet by blabbing all about it but it would be total awesomeness if I could manage to get this good thing to come my way & work out. So if you have a spare moment or day, please send good thoughts my way and wish on a star that You wish My wish!
Will update next week if anything good happens, and Thank you!!!
In other news: My second time at Nationwide comes to an end on Friday. Then I will be unemployed again.
I have 6 new squirrels. They range in age from 4 weeks to almost 6 weeks and boy are they a wild bunch! They are the most active little guys I ever met. 4 boys and 2 little girls, only one still has her eyes shut but even she runs around; climbs the walls until she hits the ceiling or crawls across the floor until she hits a wall. No names have been given yet but we’re working on it.
We’re accepting any suggestions you have for names so put them in a comment here!!!
I’ll try to get some photos on here asap of vacation/birthday extravaganza week as well as the squirrels cause I know thats the only reason you check back regularly.
Do you know how lucky I am? Let me list the ways for your time-wasting reading pleasure:
Peter looked up my chinese numerology and calculated with his genius brain that my numbers are super lucky! I’m not certain how it works, I just know that it involves adding numbers which correspond to the letters in your name. Don’t ask me- ask him.
I get to volunteer somewhere I love to volunteer and the owners of Evelyn’s Wildlife Refuge L-O-V-E Love me! They give me babies, let me help feed new babies, teach me all about species of animals that I would otherwise never have personal access to. They comfort me when I lose babies and reassure me that it isn’t me despite my feelings of complete failure (more to come on that subject.)
Krisann is so talented with her awesome photoshopping skills and her mastery of text arranging. And the patience of a satellite. The girls got mad skillz, what can I say? And since we’re so close I get to take total advantage! She has created an awesome flyer for a Charity Bike Run to benefit the Refuge. She made a super hilarious picture of a raccoon on a motorcycle, she sends me messages that make me choke on drinks or food I am consuming. She totally gets every thought in my head…Nobody could have a better sister…I am so lucky she is mine. ALL MINE!!!!!!!!!!
I have a view of an awesome Jeep that was made possible by my love, Peter. I sit at my desk and right out the window is my Jeepy baby. I love you Jeepy!
I am getting a few thousand dollars in October from a pension which will allow me to pay off the remaining student loans I have and should allow for some leftovers to save for a wedding.
I’m going to turn 30 in 8 days and I’m totally okay with it. Maybe that is what I’m so damned happy about- I am looking forward to my future instead of wishing I were reliving great times from my past. I feel like there is a lot of good stuff in store for me and I am excited for it.
I feel pretty. (song kicks in- you can sing the rest to yourself)
I’m using the neti pot every morning and it has cured my allergy symptoms. Thank goodness too because I was having to take 3 ibuprofen at a time all day to deaden the swollen glands in my throat plus an allergy pill! I know it may not work for everyone but it works for lucky me!
I am going on a weeklong vacation beginning Saturday then I will return to work for one week and I will be let go from this job…again! I can continue to collect unemployment until I find something new.
I was lucky enough to discover http://blisslist.typepad.com/ If you like awesome music- music you won’t hear on your regular annoyingly repetitive radio stations- music that hasn’t been processed, packaged and marketed directly to you by some record company stooge- then check this site out. She has amazing ears, that girl.
My license is about to expire so I went to the DMV yesterday and got to go take a new picture so they can send me a new license in the mail and I had a Good hair day for this. My hair is having a lot of akward days (thanks Joseph via Krisann for that! Care to join the Akward Hair Club with me?) recently- specifically my bangs- so I was slightly worried about what state my hair would appear to be in the photo but (though I have yet to see it) I believe it was good based on the look of my hair in the rearview before and directly after I was inside the DMV.
I have an awesome bikini that I couldn’t find locally in my size but was able to find one a few months back while I was in Charleston! And, it was on sale for like, $10 bucks a piece!
I get to marry a man who, of his own accord, tore up the old stones and concrete and laid down a new pathway to the refuge backyard! I had nothing to do with getting him to do this and, in fact, he actually suggested it to them. Wow, I know- Evelyn was tempted to make him her *new* favorite, but I cannot be so easily replaced. I now know he is vying for my spot in her affections.
I’m also lucky to have found Peter. I don’t know how I did it but somehow I managed to get the best man out there. The ‘pick of the litter’, if you will, The brightest star in the sky, the best cook in the kitchen, the #1 best of the best, sorry all you other ladies cause I got him now you have to settle for google-only-knows-what. (I am absolutely choking on corn here, are you? sorry- I’ll stop for now but beware, I may make this a regular post)
I was just having a conversation with Poodle about how much I truly miss shopping sprees. I used to get paid SO MUCH MONEY every 2 weeks…Like, four times what I’m making temping. I actually ahd money enough to buy myself a whole outfit at a time (or more!) so I would go spend a little on myself from time to time.
Nowadays, I make nothing. Nothing at all which leaves me exactly zero dollars to shop with. Zippity-zero! I LOVE to shop. Love it like gas for a buck a gallon.
But you know what? I just think about what I used to go through to get all that money and I feel that my sanity and happiness are not worth a big fat salary, even if I have to sacrifice shopping- my most favoritest thing to do on earth.
I walked around the office several times today with a squirrel inside my shirt. Either the little rice heating pad I made was needing to be remicrowaved or she was just being uppity so I stuck her in there since it seems to calm her down.
I have to feed them 5 times a day until their eyes open so I take the young ones into the office with me so I can feed them at 11am and 3pm. I haven’t kept it a secret from anyone besides the brass who were here the other day but I haven’t broadcast it for everyone to know that I am rehabbing babies in the office either. So I could be wandering around sorting mail and a coworker comes into the mail room and we chat for a minute. Little do they know, there is a tiny baby squirrel snuggled up in my tanktop staying warm.
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Two of the squirrels have opened their eyes since I received them. When they opened their eyes, I was the first thing they ever saw! Can you imagine- they must assume I’m their mommy and that they’ll grow up to look just like me, those lucky little bastards. But they’ll turn out even cuter- the most adorable little girly squirrels ever!
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Squirrel update: I have received a third squirrely girl whom I named Sarah Jessica. She had some injuries from a fall when she was little and several bruises on her back and shoulders. She was the same size as Cindy Lou but has since opened her eyes, indicating that she is closer to Sandy Claire’s age than what I thought she was despite her size. I left Sandy Claire and Sarah Jessica at home today to play and brought Cindy Lou to the office though her eyes have since opened so I will leave all three at home tomorrow.
I have the job of opening mail at the office and a helluva lot of mail comes in that contains medical records, which, as we all know, are supposed to be PRIVATE. Well, this one particular provider sends their envelopes with GIANT RED stickers across the opening with the word CONFIDENTIAL printed on it.
Thats awesome that they take that kind of care to scare potential violators of HIPAA laws but they do not address the letters to anyone in particular. That means I have to open it and sort through the records to identify who the freaking adjuster is anyways.
Now, I could understand if they don’t know who the adjuster is they just send it to the local office. Fine. But in every instance, in the letters from this one national franchise Dr’s office, the adjuster’s name is in their paperwork, like, it is typed in the notes that the contact here is Mr. Specific Adjuster.
Quit wasting the CONFIDENTIAL stickers dumbass, you could just address it to that adjuster and not worry about strangers reading through the patient’s medical records.
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My allergies are back. I was getting severe headaches in the spring, during regular allergy season then they let off for months. Now, I am getting these daily headaches and they feel and are located jsut where the allergy headaches were from several months ago. Why do I have allergies this time of the year? It isn’t fair! Trees**quit sending pollen out, or flowers or whatever is causing this allergy. You’re getting on my nerves with this year-round allergy causing pollen crap.
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Angry people who stand too close. This incident reminded me of what I was like when I was working for the Man and I am SOOO thankful I am not doing that anymore.
I was at Walmart last week during my lunch break, just picking up a few things to snack on while at the office. I picked up my foodstuffs (lol, love that word) and got in the line in the garden section, where I always park. There was one cashier and he was ringing someone up when I got in line. Several minutes later, someone got in line behind me. I didn’t even really notice until that someone’s teenage boy walked in the garden doors from the outside and made some funky face and mumbled something in my general direction. I was confused and looked around assuming that this extra-large child was trying to make some joke about something but he obviously wasn’t speaking any real english so I thought I’d just smile and nod. Then I realize he is talking to his dad right behind me. His dad answers and the dad steps up to the line even though I haven’t budged, and neither has the guy in front of me. He is so close to my back end I clutch my purse, assuming that he was probably going to stick his hand in my giant purple purse and steal the whole $2 in cash and almost overdrafted debit cards I keep in there. He doesn’t take the hint, then he picks up a conversation he must have been having with his incoherent son before getting in line.
Dad, angrily: “I jsut can’t believe the horrible service. I mean, what do they expect me to do, [something about a cell phone] and I am just so angry”
Incoherent Offspring:”asda enswe uirn jigo”
Dad, angrier:”I know, this is completely ridiculous. I don’t understand why they’re doing this. The service is just horrendous and their policies make no sense. It isnt helping me in any way.”
Then, 2 regular sized kids appear through the garden checkout door each dangerously dragging/carrying a propane tank- the kind that is stored outside the building (I always assumed it was due to fire code- who wouldn’t) and they just stand there looking stupid. The cashier notices them and asks them very nicely to move the tanks outside and the angry dad says loudly, “Yeah- I jsut told them to put the tanks inside there so you could ring me up for them.” Then he continues to grumble about the cashier asking his kids to take the propane tanks back outside the door, when he had just told them to bring the tanks inside. The cashier is sensing the guy’s obvious annoyance at his request and looks at him directly and nicely- sincerely- asks him how his day is going. The asshole dad was still a jerk and starts grunting and gritting his teeth while complaining about the service here.
Yo Angry dad: what the hell is your problem? Don’t be a jerk to the walmart cashier- he is being totally nice to your grumpy ass even though you so don’t deserve it. I almost asked angry dad to shut up about his cell phone carrier and back the fuck off my ass then I realized I was happy, not a cranky bitch anymore, and I realized that he was angry at other things in his life and he just couldn’t control his anger and I totally empathize with that.
I spent months being so stressed out and worried and angry that I couldn’t meet certain goals at work and was being yelled and cussed at by customers, working all kinds of hours, thinking about work constantly when I wasn’t here, dreaming about it at night, taking it home on nights and weekends to try to catch up, having over 200 customers for weeks at a time, arriving to 75+ voicemails Monday mornings…my god, how did I do it for so long? I look at Ben (does what I used to do) and I see his full voicemail, see his 200+ claims and I totally feel so sorry for him. I remember taking Xanax or Klonapin everyday to help me get through it and still crying from the stress at least once a week. I haven’t taken anything since then (except for the day before Peter got home from his deployment- I couldn’t do anything) and didn’t even need to slowly get off it- I jsut quit the next day. The remaining pills are still in my cabinet. And I am occasionally reminded what I used to be like when I was angry like that all the time.
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